The Wanderer's Site

As much as possible I do not want to post anything negative here. But what can I do? I have no one to turn to. Anyway, this is mine, and it seems that nobody's reading this. So just let me post whatever I want here.

Anyway, last February 8, I took my second day of judgment for the last time. It's my only remaining chance to get in. If I still don't make it, I'm totally out of the race. Actually, I'm beginning to be convinced that I won't get in. Last year, the moment I bounced back, I thought I would have a lot of time to prepare. But unexpected things happened. I got an invitation from someone to submit an article, and it took so much of my time, that I have sacrificed a lot of my planned preparation time. What's more dismaying with that is that I'm not getting any advice from the publisher if my paper will be published. I just hope that it would be, because I would really regret sacrificing my preparation time for that if it won't be published. I would definitely feel a total loss if I don't get positive feedback from any of them.

When I have already submitted the paper, I thought that I would finally have enough time to prepare even if I barely had 7 days left. But random things kept on coming, plus the bad dream that I had before the Pope came. So in short, I wasn't able to focus on my preparation since I kept on praying and wishing for my family's, relatives' and friends' safety. Not to mention our trip to HK during that time, which also consumed so much of my preparation time. I had to re-book my flight and coordinate with my brother so I wouldn't get lost. Then I still had my favorite teacher in my mind. Our conflicts have not yet been resolved, as far as I'm concerned. Well, she told me to leave everything behind us, but I don't feel that in her actions. She's still very cold towards me.

During the day of judgment, I found myself praying and worrying about the safety of my family in their trip in between questions. But in all fairness, it's the first time that I have finished working on all the sections, though I guessed in so many items. I just hope that taking my second day of judgment under so much pressure and worries is an effective strategy for me.

After my secod day of judgment, I hurried to the airport for my flight in the evening. I was able to travel on my own, but honestly, I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not. I don't know, maybe I have already forgotten how is it to enjoy something.

Then, two weeks after that I got a new phone. So I was happy that my mom has availed of the plan for me. But while I was testing the phone features, I've seen something in a social networking site. The guy who used to have feelings on me back in college, and who dropped me in 2008 has a girlfriend now. I am not expecting anymore that we will be back together, but it just hurt me so much because I remembered what he said to me before we parted ways. He told me that if I'm still single at the age of 30, he would go back to me. I'm turning 30 in August, but he didn't go back to me. I'm just sad non of his words ever came true, and that I fell for him for that.

What he did to me has lead me to do unpleasant things I'm doing now. I almost beg for attention. I am almost always incredulous and insensitive to those who express pleaant feelings towards me. I became so desperate that I started searching for chatmates and enter into relationships with guys I'm not in love with. And it makes me feel guilty because I'm afraid that I might be playing with the feelings of some serious people. 

Then just last night I think I've had another bad dream again. Well, I hope it just happened because I've been thinking of it for quite a while as I worry. I just hope that those dreams do not mean anything bad.