The Wanderer's Site

This year seems to bring out the worst in me. Since 2014 started, I have been burdened with a lot of troubles and emotional conflicts. One came after the other, and I have not found an opportunity to rise up again.

I got my first blow in January 30, 2014, when I have learned that I did not make it again in my second day of judgment. I felt like a useless, dumb woman, who, despite doing everything to prepare, still failed. That failure has pinned me down for a couple of months. It had left me doubting my capabilities, and my whole self. What's worse is that I have spent so much just to find someone to talk to.

Yes, that's right. I've spent thousands of bucks to talk to someone. And that's another issue. I feel so alone, that I have to pay somebody just to listen to me. I have no one to talk to, and nowhere to turn to. Only  God listens to me. Yes. it's God, and I should not want more. But I also have to deal with the reality that I live on this planet, and that I am a social being. But nobody is so willing to listen to me.

The closest people to me whom I really care about never realized that I only want what's best for them. Instead, I was accused of being the one who always finds it important that her points are right. But that's not what I want.  I only want them to do the right things which will help them avoid the mistakes which I have committed.

Lately, I have learned that the gifts I'm giving to my fave teacher might have been given to other people. And that's too painful for me. I've wasted so much time looking for those gifts, only to find out that it will be given to other people.

The latest blow was last Saturday when I texted a friend who is leaving to study abroad with a joke. Seriously, I did not have any intentions to be insensitive that they are mourning. I was just joking. I just want her to jokingly say that she also misses me and I she wanted to see me. I have already said sorry to her for a number of times, but she seems to be still annoyed. Why does she find it difficult to forgive me, when I've shown her that I'm doing everything to reach to her. Besides, she has also done me wrong, but I didn't complain. In 2008, she ignored me because she was influenced by another set of friends. I wasn't doing anything to her during that time. She just ignored me. But I have forgiven her.

Everything in my life seems to fall apart. May God, my only listener intervene, and I hope, it's soon.