The Wanderer's Site

The moment that I have been waiting for has finally come. The results of my second day of judgment were released. Sadly, I did not make it. Now, it's really breaking my heart.

I do not want to be bitter about this. But I have spent so much time preparing for it. I have used it as my only reason for celebration. I have depended on it so much. I was actually expecting that this would be my moment to talk to my favorite teacher. I have even made this as a reason for her and my family and other friends to be proud of me. That's why, while I was preparing for it, I did everything I could. But still, I didn't pass. What's wrong with me? Why didn't I pass? Am I really that dumb or stupid? I have given it so much effort and prayers, but still, nothing happened.  I do not want to blame God about this. But why didn't He listen to my prayers. This meant so much for me. But why can't He be generous to me about it? He had seen how much I prepared for it. Does He really understand what this means for me. I have already told Him that I would keep my feet on the ground once I passed. But why didn't He care? Why doesn't He want to give me that opportunity? He has given opportunity to people whom He knew have better resources than I do. And besides, He knew that this would be my last resort and last escape after what had happened to me in the office. I am so down.

Can't I have another chance? Now, I'm waiting for a miracle. I hope there would be an addition to the results, just like last year. But I'm in doubt it would happen. I wanna stop breathing because of this. I can't see where I'm heading right now.  But I do hope that it's just a reminder for me to wait. I do hope that I can still go there. I hope that God is just telling me to wait just like the job opportunity that I started waiting for in 2008. I just hope it wouldn't take that long.

Last night, I had another dream that I don't understand. I dreamed about the time when Lola was about to die. She wore the same duster she was wearing in our picture. She was also very weak. In my dream, I felt the same agony and pain that I felt when she died in 2011. It was a very long and vague dream.

I do not understand what my dream means. Why did I dream about her? I want to believe that she is a lucky sign in my dreams because when she was included in my dream before the results of my first day of judgment were released, I then found out that I passed. But she was happy in that dream. Now she's dying. Does it mean something? I hope this doesn't mean pain. I really want to pass in my second day of judgment. God knows, and Lola knows too, that I did everything for that. But why did I dream about her in such a condition? I hope it's just a reminder of her death anniversary. Anyway, I do not forget that. Lola, please tell God to let me pass in my second day of judgment. Please.

Last night, I had a dream that really woke me up. I dreamed that I took an unidentified exam with a familiar teacher from high school as the proctor. Then I suddenly felt that I had to pee so I left the room and went to the CR. When I went back to the room, the exam was already checked and I got 1/2 of the perfect score. It wasn't mentioned in my dream whether I passed or failed the exam. I just got 1/2 of the perfect score and I don't know what it meant. But in my dream, I managed to somehow connect the exam to the _________, and I concluded that if I didn't pass that exam, I wouldn't also pass it. Then my dream became vague and the last things I could remember from it were when I went back to the comfort room and I saw our accountant in our office, then I saw one of our administrative aides and I said to him something like, "e pero teka, tapos na ang L_______ so, hindi ito para sa L_____" or something to that effect.

I do not know what my dream means. But I'm really getting more nervous and scared, especially now that I have a stronger proof that my dreams usually come true. I also had a dream of passing my first day of judgment, and I really passed. So I do not believe that the reverse of your dream is what happens in reality. So does it mean that I have failed the exam? Hopefully not. I really did everything for it. Now, I wish for a reversion of my dream. I desperately wish to pass my second day of judgment. Please, Lord, help me.

Happy New Year! It's been a while since my last post. I have almost forgotten to update this blog. I've been very busy for the past days.

Anyway, I had a great time last Christmas season. I got more gifts than last year. Though I still miss the activities that we used to do before, generally I celebrated the season happily, and with a much lighter feeling than last year. Well, I can't still say that this is perfect because I have not totally recovered what I have lost in the past. And besides, there are still some family problems that we dealt with this year. But generally, this is much better.

Maybe one of the reasons why I was happy last Christmas is because of the results of my first day of judgment. I know it's not a big deal but I'm still happy because as I have written in my previous posts, I have a history of failing in some of my examinations. But this time, I passed.

Now, I'm becoming more nervous for the results of my second day of judgment. I really hope that I would be successful on that. May God really grant that wish. I really want to go there. I promise that I am going to use that in a right way. I wouldn't boast about it. Please help me GOD.

As I have written in my last post, I really tried to convince myself that I failed during my first day of judgment. So I was still worried last Friday, but the expectations were less.

But yesterday, I don't know why I tried to check the website even if I was already thinking that the results might not be released on a weekend. And thank heavens, I checked it. I found out that my name was there. I am really very happy about it. Though I became overconfident at first that I will pass, I realized after the exam that there's a big chance that I will fail. I just guessed the answers in so many numbers, especially in Math. I have also answered many items without even reading the questions. So I really got scared. My history of failure in some of the exams I have taken in the past made me worry more.

Anyway, now that my first ordeal is over, I really thank GOD for being with me and for giving me that wonderful experience. I thank Him that he helped me pass the exam. At least, I became a little more confident now. Though, I still cannot be confident that I will also succeed in my second day of judgment. Actually, the results of the first one is giving me confusions. I don't want to expect anymore, but since I took the first one as a review for the second one, something is telling me that I might also be able to pass the second one. Anyway, I wouldn't expect anymore, but I'll still be hopeful. May God also give me a chance in the second one, because even if I'm not sure if what I did is enough, I have really exerted so much effort for it.

It's been 45 days since my first day of judgment. Now I'm going nuts about the results. I'm still hopeful, but I'm losing confidence. Especially the other night, when I dreamed that I passed. I really got scared after that, because as the saying goes, "the reverse scenario of what you have dreamed of will happen in reality". Now, I am more afraid.

I was expecting the results since Monday. I tried to check on their website, thinking that they might post it earlier than expected as what happened before the day of judgment. But they have not. And now, it's more than 45 days, but the results are not yet out.

Though it's driving me crazy, I don't think I could wait until the 60th day. Now, I'm giving up. I will just assume that I did not make it. Maybe that's the reason why it's been delayed-- for me not to see it while I'm in the office. Maybe God doesn't want me to be destructed by the news that I have failed.

Lord, help me get through this. Help me accept that I have failed. Help me move on. And please help me stop checking that website from time to time. Please convince me that my name is not there.

Dear God,

I thank You for being with me during my days of judgment. I know that there were times during those days when I felt that I was alone, but I'm sure You were there. I thank You for the strength that You have given me while I was taking those ordeals. I thank You that I have at least survived those days and the aftermath.

God, You know that I have exerted so much effort for those days. I am not sure if what I did was enough for me to expect favorable results, but I'm sure and You know that I did my best. Now I am leaving everything to You. You know what's best for me. I know that I might not be able to see the glory on whatever Your decision will be, but whatever it is, I know that You have better plans for me. Please, just help me cope up and help me understand your plans. Give me more strength to handle the situations.

I trust in You.

As I am becoming more nervous about my second day of judgment, I have noticed that I am performing less at work. And now that I only have 5 whole days and 6 nights before that day, I felt lazier and more worried. It's as if my body is in the office, performing some mechanical tasks, but my mind is somewhere else, focused on my second day of judgment and my preparations for it. It's as if I don't like to work. And so it lead me to reading stuff from the Internet.

As I was reading, I came across an article about daydreaming. What made this appeal to me is that the situations described in the article are mostly familiar to me. Actually, I am experiencing those. The article describes a condition wherein a better self is created by an individual in his daydreaming. It is called maladaptive daydreaming.

I realized that the symptoms and conditions discussed in the article are also true to me. I know that nothing is wrong with me, but I haven't had the guts to share it to anyone. I wasn't actually afraid of it, because it satifies me, even just in daydreaming. But of course, I haven't told anyone about my fantasies and imaginations. I am afraid that they would laugh at me and my dreams would not come true, which will make me more embarrassed and disappointed.

Sometimes, I feel that this condition is helpful to me. It helps me to strive hard in order to achieve the self I have created in my imaginations.It gives me a picture of who I really want to be, and in reality I try to act the way I want others to see me. No, it's not trying to be who I am not. It's trying to make myself better.

Most of the time, the scenarios that I have daydreamed of include my Lola and our other relatives, my favorite teacher, some of my friends, and the people I do not like. Most of the time, the scenes I have imagined portray me as a winner-- my loved ones are all around me, very proud and happy for me, and the people I don't like end up as losers. And now that I barely have five days before my second day of judgment, my daydreaming has gone as far as ending up successful with that second ordeal, with my favorite teacher, family and closest friends very proud of me, and my enemies/haters couldn't say anything. Though, I had never imagined a scenario wherein I did things to my enemies that will really make them suffer. They simply do not win in my dreams.

Sometimes though, I am worried that I am alone in this condition and my daydreaming would hinder me in accomplishing my tasks and goals. I am also worried that it will consume my time and energy. But at least, now I understand this condition better, and I know that I am not the only one who experiences this. Thanks to Amanda Schupak for writing an article about this.

For those who would like to read the article, here are the links:

http://www.youbeauty.com/mind/maladaptive-daydreaming

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/daydreams-dont-stop-strange-true-condition-130800916.html

I'm sure this post would make the "mature" and the "strong" raise their eyebrows and say "Tadz cannot move on again". The "strong" might even say that I am "romanticizing the past".

Say whatever you want, but you cannot change me. This is how much I love Lola. And I will write about her as long as I want. I do not need your advice anyway, nor do I ask for your opinion. So whatever you say, I don't give a damn.

You might not understand how I feel, because you have not actually grieved. What you felt with what you have lost is not the same with what I felt. Yours is not grief, but guilt. Mine is real grief and agony. And there's a big difference between grief and guilt, that I think you must strive hard to understand.

Anyway, I miss Lola very much for so many reasons. She had been my light and shield. Whenever I am confused, I would seek her advice. Whenever I am being attacked, she was there to defend me. Even if she doesn't say it, I could feel that she loved me so much. I can't help crying whenever I recall the time when I was having love problems. I didn't tell her what happened at first, but she noticed that I was sad. I didn't give her all the details, but she gave a very calming and loving advice. I used to have another bestfriend of my age, but most of the time, I realized that Lola is really my one and only bestfriend.

But what I love the most about Lola was her unpretencious character. Lola never tried to change who she was to be adored by others. She has gained so much love and respect with who she was-- without make-up, always wearing a rugged pair of clothes. For Lola, material things and money are not the most important, but life. She would rather live in the slums with all her loved ones, than in a mansion without them.

I really miss Lola so much. I really long to see her again, kiss her, and hug her. How I wish it wouldn't take that long for me to be with her again.

I am not a professional blogger and I must admit that I am a bit of a "ningas-kugon" when it comes to blogging. Of course, I like the idea of writing about my favorite moments and cherishing memories. But sometimes, I feel awkward with my own posts. At times, I think I am being too cheesy. I also wonder if the entries I write are worth posting. Sometimes, I ask myself: what would others think of my posts?

But as I was thinking of blogging and what it could do for me, I realized that it has (particularly this blog) a lot of benefits. I know that up to this day, nobody knows that I have this blog, and nobody reads my posts. But that is actually one benefit of it. Because of that, I can freely write about my thoughts. Another benefit is that I could practice writing in English without being conscious of who reads what I write. This is a very good venue to practice my writing skills in preparation for law school.

I appreciate the format of Webs.com and the opportunity it gives me to write. Though I know that it's weird that I don't have readers yet, I am happy that I can practice writing. I will also make this publicly known in the future. But right now, these pages are for my eyes only.