The Wanderer's Site

Lord, Please give a chance to be happy. Give me a chance to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I know that my labor is not perfect, but in many chances, I did my very best and gave everything a hard blow. Please give me a chance. Please give me a chance.

the results of my second day of judgment are out. i didn't make it. what's worse is i also failed in my second choice. what's wrong with me? why lord? why???????

Lord, I know that I've been praying about it since the day I took it. Please Lord, do something about it and grace my desires. I cannot stop thinking about it now.

I promise You, my praises and service will all be yours, and for the benefit of others. Thank you, Lord.

As much as possible I do not want to post anything negative here. But what can I do? I have no one to turn to. Anyway, this is mine, and it seems that nobody's reading this. So just let me post whatever I want here.

Anyway, last February 8, I took my second day of judgment for the last time. It's my only remaining chance to get in. If I still don't make it, I'm totally out of the race. Actually, I'm beginning to be convinced that I won't get in. Last year, the moment I bounced back, I thought I would have a lot of time to prepare. But unexpected things happened. I got an invitation from someone to submit an article, and it took so much of my time, that I have sacrificed a lot of my planned preparation time. What's more dismaying with that is that I'm not getting any advice from the publisher if my paper will be published. I just hope that it would be, because I would really regret sacrificing my preparation time for that if it won't be published. I would definitely feel a total loss if I don't get positive feedback from any of them.

When I have already submitted the paper, I thought that I would finally have enough time to prepare even if I barely had 7 days left. But random things kept on coming, plus the bad dream that I had before the Pope came. So in short, I wasn't able to focus on my preparation since I kept on praying and wishing for my family's, relatives' and friends' safety. Not to mention our trip to HK during that time, which also consumed so much of my preparation time. I had to re-book my flight and coordinate with my brother so I wouldn't get lost. Then I still had my favorite teacher in my mind. Our conflicts have not yet been resolved, as far as I'm concerned. Well, she told me to leave everything behind us, but I don't feel that in her actions. She's still very cold towards me.

During the day of judgment, I found myself praying and worrying about the safety of my family in their trip in between questions. But in all fairness, it's the first time that I have finished working on all the sections, though I guessed in so many items. I just hope that taking my second day of judgment under so much pressure and worries is an effective strategy for me.

After my secod day of judgment, I hurried to the airport for my flight in the evening. I was able to travel on my own, but honestly, I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not. I don't know, maybe I have already forgotten how is it to enjoy something.

Then, two weeks after that I got a new phone. So I was happy that my mom has availed of the plan for me. But while I was testing the phone features, I've seen something in a social networking site. The guy who used to have feelings on me back in college, and who dropped me in 2008 has a girlfriend now. I am not expecting anymore that we will be back together, but it just hurt me so much because I remembered what he said to me before we parted ways. He told me that if I'm still single at the age of 30, he would go back to me. I'm turning 30 in August, but he didn't go back to me. I'm just sad non of his words ever came true, and that I fell for him for that.

What he did to me has lead me to do unpleasant things I'm doing now. I almost beg for attention. I am almost always incredulous and insensitive to those who express pleaant feelings towards me. I became so desperate that I started searching for chatmates and enter into relationships with guys I'm not in love with. And it makes me feel guilty because I'm afraid that I might be playing with the feelings of some serious people. 

Then just last night I think I've had another bad dream again. Well, I hope it just happened because I've been thinking of it for quite a while as I worry. I just hope that those dreams do not mean anything bad.

I must admit it: I have been too impulsive with my reaction on what she did. But coming to analyze the situation, I think I have all the right and reason to react that way. Nevertheless, I swallowed my pride and apologized. I have even humiliated myself just for this conflict to end. But it's still my fault.

I have apologized for a number of times even when I'm not sure if it's me to be blamed. But all of what I did were of no avail. What's wrong with me? I'm doing all of these because I love her so much. I love her more than myself. But she is not reciprocating. I try to endure everything, because I love her. And I'm not giving up. She's a great part of my life.

But it's so sad that this love's killing me. I hope she realizes that. And I hope it's soon.

Please... Enough of the likings, sharings and comments on the photos of that damn party! Enough! It's annoying!

Please! Enough of those photos! Enough of your drama that you're gonna miss each other. Enough! Please, enough! 

I am only a human, and I must admit that I am dying of jealousy. Today, I found out that my favorite teacher has not gotten over yet with that gathering of my friend who is now mad at me. Didn't they have enough time to say their goodbyes? Why did she still comment that she is really missing her in that photo? 

The thing is, she hasn't done that to me. Please, enough of those photos! Enough!

This year seems to bring out the worst in me. Since 2014 started, I have been burdened with a lot of troubles and emotional conflicts. One came after the other, and I have not found an opportunity to rise up again.

I got my first blow in January 30, 2014, when I have learned that I did not make it again in my second day of judgment. I felt like a useless, dumb woman, who, despite doing everything to prepare, still failed. That failure has pinned me down for a couple of months. It had left me doubting my capabilities, and my whole self. What's worse is that I have spent so much just to find someone to talk to.

Yes, that's right. I've spent thousands of bucks to talk to someone. And that's another issue. I feel so alone, that I have to pay somebody just to listen to me. I have no one to talk to, and nowhere to turn to. Only  God listens to me. Yes. it's God, and I should not want more. But I also have to deal with the reality that I live on this planet, and that I am a social being. But nobody is so willing to listen to me.

The closest people to me whom I really care about never realized that I only want what's best for them. Instead, I was accused of being the one who always finds it important that her points are right. But that's not what I want.  I only want them to do the right things which will help them avoid the mistakes which I have committed.

Lately, I have learned that the gifts I'm giving to my fave teacher might have been given to other people. And that's too painful for me. I've wasted so much time looking for those gifts, only to find out that it will be given to other people.

The latest blow was last Saturday when I texted a friend who is leaving to study abroad with a joke. Seriously, I did not have any intentions to be insensitive that they are mourning. I was just joking. I just want her to jokingly say that she also misses me and I she wanted to see me. I have already said sorry to her for a number of times, but she seems to be still annoyed. Why does she find it difficult to forgive me, when I've shown her that I'm doing everything to reach to her. Besides, she has also done me wrong, but I didn't complain. In 2008, she ignored me because she was influenced by another set of friends. I wasn't doing anything to her during that time. She just ignored me. But I have forgiven her.

Everything in my life seems to fall apart. May God, my only listener intervene, and I hope, it's soon.

It's been more than a year since my last post. Unfortunately, I am posting now with the same sentiments. Never did I think that I would feel the same pain when I open up this blog again.

I remember planning to use this as my practice area for English and communications. I don't know if it has served me for those purposes, but as far as my second day of judgment is concerned, it did nothing. I took the exam again, and failed again. Now, I am more disheartened. My second failure is so much more painful than the first one. I felt that I've given it my hardest blow--a blow which is far harder than the first time I took it. In comparison, I can say that I nearly totally depended on positive thinking during my first take, while during my second take, though may review was far from perfectly adequate, I can say that it's more serious, and I gained more from it. And I would say that if I've had the guts to expect to pass during my first take, then it's more reasonably acceptable that I expected to pass during my second take. But to my dismay, I still didn't pass.

What's more gruelling is that people who I know who also took the exam passed. And I feel that it really tells me something about my aptitude. People say that it really doesn't define who I am. And they all say that it doesn't matter where I go. But for me, if it doesn't matter, then why does it matter to many people and why can't I get it if it's just a small part of my intelligence? I hate to blame it to divine intervention, but I can't find anything to blame it to. I've done my part. And nothing seemed wrong. But why did I fail it? I want to understand. Why?